it sneaks up on you

This thing called melancholy sneaks up on you sometimes. One of my favorite quotes has always been, "The years fly by, but some days last forever." Can't remember where I read it. Today was a forever day. Niggling at the back of my mind throughout the whole day has been the unsettled feeling. The strange part is, it was a forever day because the years fly by.

It is coming up on the ninth anniversary of the birth of my stillborn son. Really it is still three months away, but what is three months in a lifetime? Not even a blink. And just as surely, I know that the anniversary will pass and another will be at the doorstep before I have time to catch my breath.

Loss is a strange thing. It seems that all loss, through death or otherwise, is intrinsically tied together. An inadvertant memory of one loss, a mention of someone else's loss, the simple grieving of a passing age can suddenly pour life giving water on the roots of heartache which dwell still beneath the surface. In the wee morning hours, suddenly, the landscape blooms with a strange breed of flowers, torn and tattered at their inception.

That's how I feel today. There is no apparent cause for the sorrow. For all intents and purposes I should be shouting praise to the rooftops. So little is wrong in my life right now. And yet, the tender sadness furls around my soul, and I am almost glad for it. This is evidence of feeling. And off in the shadows, I perceive the hand of God reaching out to hold me through the night.