Again with the image not posting (though it tells me it is uploaded). Be that as it may, I am sleeping with bread yet again. For more about Sleeping with Bread go here
As I looked at the list of possible questions to ask myself, I was suddenly taken with the fact that it has been a nothing kind of week. Sadly, I think I have refrained from stretching myself into the passions of positive and negative emotion. Instead of completely living my life, I have pulled back and watched it from a distance. It is a bit difficult to answer intensely deep questions about the state of my soul when I have been trying so hard over the course of the last week not to go there.
That said, I thought I could learn the most by examining when, over the last week, I have given and experienced the most and least love. It will be a harsh lesson on the effect that psychological removal has on those around me.
The least love…
I suppose I am guilty of giving the least love for the majority of the week. I have not given out hatred or dislike, anger or spite; I have simply neglected to pay attention. The greatest moments of pain often come from sensing a lack of caring on the part of those close to you. I know I have deeply felt love toward those around me frequently, I have just not expressed it with the depth I know I am capable of achieving. When a crying child came running to me, I offered only one arm and a, “What?” instead of two arms and , “Calm down and tell me what’s wrong, sweetie.” When preparing food, doing bedtime rituals, teaching school my mind has continually been at least half occupied by other things.
I experienced receiving the least love by the simple gesture of S pulling away from me when I reached out to touch his shoulder. He is a teenager; it was in public, but it was a harmless, non-threatening, non-embarrassing kind of touch. I wondered, “Is this what my lack of emotion has spawned?”
The greatest love…
Giving great amounts of love when you are in a place of emotional distance is unlikely. It is therefore with some measure of sadness that I reflect on the love I have doled out over the past week. So many times, I have missed the opportunity to show tenderness. I suppose the evidence of true caring might still be present to those around me, but I am not aware of it. The only thing which comes to mind freely is the snack I prepared for S to eat after getting weighed in for football yesterday. It was only a peach and a granola bar with a little note simply bearing one word – “Honk,” our own special code.
Even receiving love is difficult when you close yourself off. Still, God is big enough to know me and touch me wherever I am. Because of this, yesterday at church, a message was preached which managed to spark a little bit of passion in an otherwise stilted heart. My Father knows me and loves me. What greater love can there be?
3 comments:
"It is a bit difficult to answer intensely deep questions about the state of my soul when I have been trying so hard over the course of the last week not to go there."
That very issue is one of the things that I love most about SWB. When I struggle too much with having answers, I know there is something going on.
I appreciate that you shared what was perhaps uncomfortable for you. And I'm glad the message at church sparked something in you. I'd love to hear about that, too!
I felt a great amount of love from you this morning as we signed off IM. I hope you felt it back.
It's funny, Mary, but the second you said you would love to hear about the message, my mind went completely blank. I knew exactly what the message was about before that. I think I am going to have to get the tape if I don't have a sudden burst of memory in the middle of the night. I tend to drive myself crazy with such mysteries.
Heather, yup, felt it. Now, if I could only figure out how to sneak into your luggage...
Post a Comment