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Monday, October 09, 2006

crackers may be humble bread, but they still qualify

Again with the image not posting (though it tells me it is uploaded). Be that as it may, I am sleeping with bread yet again. For more about Sleeping with Bread go here

As I looked at the list of possible questions to ask myself, I was suddenly taken with the fact that it has been a nothing kind of week. Sadly, I think I have refrained from stretching myself into the passions of positive and negative emotion. Instead of completely living my life, I have pulled back and watched it from a distance. It is a bit difficult to answer intensely deep questions about the state of my soul when I have been trying so hard over the course of the last week not to go there.

That said, I thought I could learn the most by examining when, over the last week, I have given and experienced the most and least love. It will be a harsh lesson on the effect that psychological removal has on those around me.

The least love…

I suppose I am guilty of giving the least love for the majority of the week. I have not given out hatred or dislike, anger or spite; I have simply neglected to pay attention. The greatest moments of pain often come from sensing a lack of caring on the part of those close to you. I know I have deeply felt love toward those around me frequently, I have just not expressed it with the depth I know I am capable of achieving. When a crying child came running to me, I offered only one arm and a, “What?” instead of two arms and , “Calm down and tell me what’s wrong, sweetie.” When preparing food, doing bedtime rituals, teaching school my mind has continually been at least half occupied by other things.

I experienced receiving the least love by the simple gesture of S pulling away from me when I reached out to touch his shoulder. He is a teenager; it was in public, but it was a harmless, non-threatening, non-embarrassing kind of touch. I wondered, “Is this what my lack of emotion has spawned?”

The greatest love…

Giving great amounts of love when you are in a place of emotional distance is unlikely. It is therefore with some measure of sadness that I reflect on the love I have doled out over the past week. So many times, I have missed the opportunity to show tenderness. I suppose the evidence of true caring might still be present to those around me, but I am not aware of it. The only thing which comes to mind freely is the snack I prepared for S to eat after getting weighed in for football yesterday. It was only a peach and a granola bar with a little note simply bearing one word – “Honk,” our own special code.

Even receiving love is difficult when you close yourself off. Still, God is big enough to know me and touch me wherever I am. Because of this, yesterday at church, a message was preached which managed to spark a little bit of passion in an otherwise stilted heart. My Father knows me and loves me. What greater love can there be?

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3 Comments:

  • "It is a bit difficult to answer intensely deep questions about the state of my soul when I have been trying so hard over the course of the last week not to go there."

    That very issue is one of the things that I love most about SWB. When I struggle too much with having answers, I know there is something going on.

    I appreciate that you shared what was perhaps uncomfortable for you. And I'm glad the message at church sparked something in you. I'd love to hear about that, too!

    By Blogger Mary-LUE, at 6:08 PM  

  • I felt a great amount of love from you this morning as we signed off IM. I hope you felt it back.

    By Blogger Heather, at 7:27 PM  

  • It's funny, Mary, but the second you said you would love to hear about the message, my mind went completely blank. I knew exactly what the message was about before that. I think I am going to have to get the tape if I don't have a sudden burst of memory in the middle of the night. I tend to drive myself crazy with such mysteries.

    Heather, yup, felt it. Now, if I could only figure out how to sneak into your luggage...

    By Blogger atypical, at 10:01 PM  

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