nonsensical text

Monday, February 05, 2007

a trail through the woods


As I wander on a path through the forest of relationships, I leave a trail of bread crumbs in my wake. Although I walk a familiar path, my internal compass is malfunctioning. I need to assure myself safe return to the cozy warmth of home. Unfortunately, I think a pigeon is following me and eating up the trail.

I sat down with the intention of pondering belonging. This is my sixth or seventh attempt. Thoughts abound, but none of them are drawing in to a closed circle of understanding.

Lately, I have not felt a strong sense of belonging. I can see the physical evidence of relational ties – to my family, my church, an online community of women who have experienced the loss of a child, several recreational sports groups. I know those connections still exist, but I seem incapable of touching the knowledge of oneness.

I don’t feel like I belong to anything right now. Perhaps saddest of all, I do not feel the indefinable connection to God. It is still there – of this I have no doubt. I just can’t feel it. Emotions are fickle. I know this. Yet, my temperament makes me prone to putting perhaps too much value on how things make me feel. Instead of taking part in the celebrations of community, I sit in the corner of the room and silently watch the goings on. Deep down, I long for someone to hear all that I am not saying.

This atmosphere is conducive to guilt. God hears it all. He is there for me in every situation. Yet, I find myself wanting something. What? I have no idea. By reaching out to the physical aspects of a spiritual need, I am putting my dependence more on the people and things in my life than on the Great Comforter. When I begin to do this, my own shortcomings are magnified. I notice all of the little ways I have failed to be the mother/daughter/sister/friend that I should have been. This knowledge makes me withdraw more into a room with invisible barriers.

Ironically, this very separation draws me more closely into relationship with others. I am in good company. Each person on this earth knows what it is like to feel alone among many. Jesus himself experienced this as he prayed in the garden – as he alone understood the big picture while preaching to the multitudes.

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5 Comments:

  • Very true ... it is easy to feel alone in the midst. It's also a difficult thing to bump into ... to realize we are not really home on this planet ... that we are only known in-part by the people around us ... and worse ... because we only know God in-part, it is unnerving to lose touch with that part.

    And you are right ... to be known also means knowing others more intimately.

    It's work.

    I'm new(ish) to Mary's Sleeping with Bread.

    ttyl,
    pam

    By Anonymous MarillaAnne, at 6:52 PM  

  • Hey T,

    I got my package! Yeah! I love my special poem. It is perfect and I can't wait to dig into the collection. I did flip through and found the one about the boy with the knife. So wonderful and an excellent picture of God, I think.

    I know quite a few people who are into a parenting philosophy which I won't name but which promotes this stricter than strict discipline. They say it is godly and that it is how God would do it. But over and over and over again, I see God letting us suffer the consequences of our own actions and not forcing us into being obedient. That poem gels with that idea.

    As far as the following:

    "Deep down, I long for someone to hear all that I am not saying." I recognize that feeling.

    I hope you feel more connected soon whether it is through God's love being shown through others or directly from the Source.

    By Blogger Mary-LUE, at 7:31 PM  

  • *huge hugs*

    I know that 'feeling disconnected' from G-d moments and I'm clear who moved in them.........it wasn't Him.

    If I just reach out and let people help me reconnect....if I only set aside that time to talk with Him and take the time to listen....if I look around for signs of where He's PRESENT--things move for me and I find myself reconnecting.

    Bit by bit--with a bit of help, you'll reconnect, too.

    *sending warm thoughts*

    By Blogger Mel, at 11:14 PM  

  • Pam, thanks for stopping by. I have been visiting you relatively regularly since NaBloPoMo. Maybe my main issue right now is that I am too tired to put the work in. I shall have to work on that. :)

    Mary, glad you got it. I like the knife one too. I have to remind myself of it often. Most of the stuff in the collection is pretty sad. That seems to be the time that writing flows best for me. Some of them date all the way back to high school. I hope you are getting more sleep instead of reading right now!


    Mel, thanks for the warm thoughts. It means a lot. I have a pretty strong feeling that my lack of connection has a lot to do with lack of sleep and the resulting lack of accomplishment. I guess, then, that I should get myself off to bed. :)

    -t

    By Blogger atypical, at 11:34 PM  

  • Beautifully said. I admire your faith in your connection to God even when you don't "feel" it. That is a hard thing.

    By Anonymous OddMix, at 11:13 AM  

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