a trail through the woods

As I wander on a path through the forest of relationships, I leave a trail of bread crumbs in my wake. Although I walk a familiar path, my internal compass is malfunctioning. I need to assure myself safe return to the cozy warmth of home. Unfortunately, I think a pigeon is following me and eating up the trail.

I sat down with the intention of pondering belonging. This is my sixth or seventh attempt. Thoughts abound, but none of them are drawing in to a closed circle of understanding.

Lately, I have not felt a strong sense of belonging. I can see the physical evidence of relational ties – to my family, my church, an online community of women who have experienced the loss of a child, several recreational sports groups. I know those connections still exist, but I seem incapable of touching the knowledge of oneness.

I don’t feel like I belong to anything right now. Perhaps saddest of all, I do not feel the indefinable connection to God. It is still there – of this I have no doubt. I just can’t feel it. Emotions are fickle. I know this. Yet, my temperament makes me prone to putting perhaps too much value on how things make me feel. Instead of taking part in the celebrations of community, I sit in the corner of the room and silently watch the goings on. Deep down, I long for someone to hear all that I am not saying.

This atmosphere is conducive to guilt. God hears it all. He is there for me in every situation. Yet, I find myself wanting something. What? I have no idea. By reaching out to the physical aspects of a spiritual need, I am putting my dependence more on the people and things in my life than on the Great Comforter. When I begin to do this, my own shortcomings are magnified. I notice all of the little ways I have failed to be the mother/daughter/sister/friend that I should have been. This knowledge makes me withdraw more into a room with invisible barriers.

Ironically, this very separation draws me more closely into relationship with others. I am in good company. Each person on this earth knows what it is like to feel alone among many. Jesus himself experienced this as he prayed in the garden – as he alone understood the big picture while preaching to the multitudes.