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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

the great flour spill of 2007


Hi, my name is T, and I have a problem. When I slip up, or don’t do something on the schedule I have imposed for myself, I tend to give up without even trying. It is in defiance of this trend that I bake bread today – on a Wednesday. I will follow through even if I am late in doing so.




I haven’t been feeling overwhelmingly alive of late. Puttering along and attaining a small percentage of success in knocking out the old “to do” list seem to be the highest summits I can climb. I once read that we, the human race, tend to judge others by their actions but wish them to judge us by our intentions. I’ve needed that merciful judgment of late. As I ponder my predicament, I become aware that this trend has been in the works for quite awhile now. Perhaps it is simply a byproduct of being a stay-home mom for so many years. Getting stuck in a rut tends to dry up a lot of the fuel that gives inspiration and sparkle to day to day life.

I am often an emotionally-driven individual. The logical side of my being is quite persuasive, but the catalyst for action is often found in the heart. It is, perhaps, one of the most difficult aspects of the spiritual journey for me - to soldier forth without strong emotional motivating factors. Each leg of the journey, then, feels even more obligatory; thus it is harder to press on. I am drained.

Ironically, this condition leads to some pretty impressive evidence of God’s hand in my life. The very fact that I can soldier on – just because it is the right thing to do – is evidence. Granted, the internal dialogue is deafening with each step. I often don’t accomplish what I set out to do. The tendency to become paralyzed by the whispers of guilt is still strong in me. But, I cannot simply stop. God has seeped into the fabric of me to such an extent that I am able, as an adult, to do what I was never able to do as a teen – keep plugging away. That knowledge – that makes me feel more alive than anything else ever could.

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3 Comments:

  • I, for one, am glad that you 'soldiered on' to share your bread.

    And as one who judged by actions and cursed the world for not crediting me for my intentions--I get how powerful the 'doing' is. I've also 'learned' that it's the 'who I'm being' WHILE I'm 'doing' that speaks loudly to the world around me....and encourages me to keep doing right things with right attitudes for right reasons.

    And darn that I don't do that perfectly still......I'm almost sure that's why I'm graced with so much practice?

    By Blogger Mel, at 8:37 PM  

  • Perhaps it is simply a byproduct of being a stay-home mom for so many years. Check

    I am often an emotionally-driven individual. Check

    The tendency to become paralyzed by the whispers of guilt is still strong in me. Check

    Yup. Twin daughters of different mothers.

    By Blogger Mary-LUE, at 9:28 PM  

  • Mel, I figure, perhaps, by the time I am old, I might have managed to be the being while doing the doing. It sure takes a lot of practice (Maybe my need for eaxtra learning is why God graced me with so many kids)!

    Mary, yup (and that's all I have to say about that). ;)

    -t

    By Blogger atypical, at 10:07 PM  

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