nonsensical text

Friday, September 21, 2007

always saying sorry

So, obviously I have been absent yet again. I can pin it off on being busy, because I have been, but there is more to it than that. On Monday, I wrote the first paragraph of a Sleeping with Bread post after which I promptly fell asleep. On Tuesday I opened it up, started the second paragraph, deleted it then gave up entirely when the husband came home from his meeting. On Wednesday, I had an hour of free time in which I read a few blogs and nodded off in front of the computer yet again. Yesterday we had Back to School night at the instigator’s school – a first for this homeschooling family. It didn’t start off well with both his homeroom and first period teachers being absent. I have to say, though, that I quite liked the rest of his teachers. I think we may have made the right decision. But on to the “more than that.”

I can open a blank document with a mind full of ideas on what to write. I can slip into the comment sections of my favorite blogs, but when faced with a blinking curser, I am suddenly made small. Ironically, this most frequently occurs when my thoughts are at their deepest. It seems that my insecurity level and the depth of my thoughts are directly proportional. Perhaps this is why a friend gifted me with the poem “Please Hear What I’m Not Saying” when I was a teen.

I am feeling deeply. I am reacting strongly to what I read. I am wanting to reach out, yet, like Helen Keller in her pre-sign language days, I am struck mute. This is a regular cycle with me, so I have gotten rather good at apologizing for my disappearances through the years.

Today, I make no promises that I will get better at saying what I am not saying, but I do commit to at least trying to say something through the fog.

And that bread? Maybe it’s meant to be a sourdough…



  • You dont have to apologise!

    By Blogger Casdok, at 1:26 PM  

  • I hear you. It's funny you mention Helen Keller because she has a quote about that and I was trying to recall it, then I kept reading and you mentioned her.

    It's like something Kyla said too about toddlers. Maybe this is one of those times you understand more than you can say, yet.

    It's all fine. So don't worry. :)

    Using My Words

    By Blogger Julie Pippert, at 5:20 PM  

  • Well, I will say that now I wish I had a little window into your mind to see all what you are thinking about... but, like the other, no worries. It will come.

    By Blogger Mary-LUE, at 2:53 PM  

  • You know - I bought a digital voice recorder [actually for the boys but that was another failed campaign] Maybe you could record your thoughts as they occur to you and then transcribe them later?

    By Anonymous mcewen, at 7:43 PM  

  • As I am so late getting back to this, my response will probably not be seen. I just wanted to thank you guys (and thanks also for comments on other relatively recent posts).

    My (legitimate) loss of time to get in "commentversations" is probably the hardest on me right now.

    By Blogger atypical, at 2:24 PM  

  • Well, since I'm even later than you....


    Perhaps it's the 'nudge' to simply practice?
    I get those.
    I can fill space real well, but what is it I'm NOT saying, yaknow?

    Sometimes words won't come but there's a connectedness to the person when I go visiting. And yep, time can be a barrier some moments.
    At the very least, no matter which direction life pulls me, I wanna let people know I'm there. Isn't that true for all of us, in real life or here.....that acknowledgement that someone else hears us/is there?

    LOL Geeze my rambling thoughts go everywhichway!

    ((((( atypical )))))

    By Blogger Mel, at 9:34 AM  

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