Did you know? (edited)

If you add one atypical brat to one mother of a brat and attempt to get that mother a quick chest x-ray in preparation for back surgery, time suddenly loses all meaning?

After spending a slight portion of the afternoon on the phone with a very close friend and bringing her up to date on the past week’s activities (and the ones upcoming for the next few), she said, “I pray for you…gosh, I don’t even know what to pray for you.”

I responded, “A sense of humor.” I figure it’s the only way I am going to survive the next few weeks. In that vein, maybe some of the more humorous aspects of the day will tumble out of my fingers in this greatly abbreviated account. I have my doubts.

The plan:
-Drop the N boy off at work in AM
-Pick my mother up
-Quickly take her to get the x-ray
-Take her back home (allowing extra time in consideration of my traveling companion, I still thought I could be home in time to possibly feed the other children lunch, and squeeze in a respectable amount of schooling).

The reality:
-I called my mother to remind her of the time I would be picking her up in order to give her adequate primp-age opportunity.
-I called my mother again to let her know that I would be arriving in approximately 15 minutes.
-I called my mother again to let her know that I had, indeed, arrived.
-My mother informed me that she would be another 5 or 10 minutes.
-Knowing my mother, I began cleaning out all of the rubble that accrues in my vehicle during rec sporting seasons instead of coming inside to wait (which would have made her get ready more slowly because of conversation possibilities).
-My mother emerges from her home approximately 39 minutes after my arrival.
-She motions for me to come lend assistance as she has too much to carry.
-My mother’s neighbor comes outside and they discuss other neighbors and health issues for approximately 15 minutes (during which time I am loading her things into the car, then continuing to clean).
-We finally get into the car several minutes after I had projected entry to the radiology center would occur.
-We drive to the radiology center.
-I begin to park.
-I pull back out of the space as she has located another spot she feels is closer to the entrance (it isn’t).
-I suddenly change direction before pulling into that space when a spot which truly is closer becomes available.
-We enter the building.
-We detour to the bathrooms.
-We sign in at radiology.
-We begin the (short) wait.
-I allow myself to inventory the items she brought into my car and suffer the beginning symptoms of dread.
-When she is called back for the x-ray, I quickly exit the building and call home to inform the S boy that he will need to make a (late) lunch for his siblings.
-I re-enter.
-My mother comes out from the back.
-She sits back down.
-She explains the reasons she should have gotten a copy instead of having it sent to the doctor directly.
-After five minutes, she tells me, “Oh, I’m done, by the way.”
-We head back to the car.
-She requests a stop at the mall across the street to return one item.
-As we pull toward the store for return, she spots a restaurant at which she meant to pick up a gift certificate.
-She requests another stop there after the return.
-The return takes much longer than expected as the attractive male employee is having great difficulty with the computers while trying to assist the drop-dead-gorgeous young woman returning an item.
-After this errand is complete, I drop my mother at the door to the restaurant and attempt to find a parking space closer than ¼ mile from the door.
-I finally succeed.
-I enter, but cannot find my mother anywhere.
-I walk back out and attempt to call her cell phone.
-Her cell phone is not turned on, so I am directed immediately to her voice mail.
-I re-enter and eventually find her sitting down at a booth (she has ordered something to eat).
-She suggests we sit down and enjoy a meal together, which I decline on basis of time constraint
-When her food comes up (to go), I leave to get the car so that she will not have to walk that far.
-I swing around to pick her up, but she is nowhere to be found.
-I drive around in circles for 6 more minutes.
-She finally emerges.
-She requests that we stop to take care of her dry cleaning.
-We do.
-She asks if I can drop her off at that mall after tomorrow’s doctor’s appointment (3 hours after).
-I say we will talk about it.
-I drop her off at home.
-I arrive at home a mere 4 hours later than expected.

During this trip, I did learn a few things:
-A myriad of details about several groups of friends and their extended families.
-Personal details about the finances, last will and testament, and mother-daughter relations of one close friend to my mother.
-Various names and affiliations of people who I may or may not have to contact about possible happenings in a month or so.
-The fact that I really need to grow a backbone.

P.S. I do love my mother very much, by the way.

edited to add: As I fell asleep, I felt a little guilty about this post for one main reason: not knowing my mother, the humorous aspects of this post might not come across, and it would sound more like a complaining rant - which it is not. Some basic things to keep in mind: My mother and I are very similar in some ways, and in others very different. On shopping, I am an "in and out" type of shopper while she likes to stop and look at everything. I don't think there is anything wrong with either of those tempers. Combining the two, however, can lead to a lot of interesting comedy. My mother is also the high queen of tangents (I did come by it honestly). Often, she embarks on tangents without warning and launches into discussions about people and things I do not know, so it is a little hard to follow. As she has aged, the abrupt changes have become more pronounced. Add pain medication to the equation, and, well....more comedy. Also, she is ALWAYS running late (a trait I never realized I shared until I had children), but to such an extent that we often give her a meeting time of a half hour before the actual event. All of these are characteristics that my sister, my mother, and I regularly joke about together. End edit.