nonsensical text

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

yeah, it was a long phone call, wasn't it?

I don’t know how long it is possible to sit staring at a blank white document with blinking curser before being compelled to start babbling, even if the babble is about nothing.

I opened my blog and was assaulted yet again by the harsh reality of time – with nothing to show for it – padding by on toddler feet – rapid and aimless.

When I was in high school, I wrote rather depressing poetry – most of it bad – with astonishing regularity. People who read those lines often expressed their concern over my emotional well-being. I let them know they didn’t need to worry over the writing. When it flowed from me onto the page, it was a release valve of sorts. The pressure might have remained high, but it was not terminal because I was able to let some of it out. I told them they should probably worry far more if I wasn’t writing at all.

I have had some time to think on that response of mine in this, my long silence. Let me assure you right away that I am not so depressed as to be suicidal, but there are some connections to the silence and my state of mind.

I think that I haven’t written because I have been sad. I have been numb; I have been a little bit broken from time to time. But, I have no valid reasons to have remained in this mood for so long. All of my complaints are so trivial when compared to those of so many in this world – when compared to my own blessings. I don’t want to inflict them on other people – whining and moping about. Or is that really the truth? Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say that part of me does want to inflict that upon you but is afraid that no one would want to hear? Please don’t jump in with assurances that you would be here for me. I know, in my head, that this is true for those who care about me; and my heart would not trust assurances when I am in the depths of melancholy.

There are no horrible circumstances in my life. Things can be a bit hectic – sure – but that is to be expected. Among my father, my mother, my children, my mother-in-law, my closest friend, there are many anxious feelings floating around. My head grabs hold of the blessings – my kids’ relative health, my parents’ somewhat good health and often sound minds, my friends’ support structure during her trials (much more acute than anything I might be going through). This introverted soul of mine might just be cracking a little under the sheer weight of time – the accrued weight of years without aloneness.

Ingratitude: It hampers the ability to feel the blessings of ice cream covered kisses, high school graduations, and baseball games on strangely cool early summer evenings. It erases the means to laugh at the mistakes – knowing in the laughter that a good story will one day take the place of the angst.

I’ll be alright. Even if the words weren’t coming out now, I would be alright. My Savior has never stopped holding me. My family and friends have never stopped being there for me. Heck, to outward appearances (IRL), I have probably seemed quite better than alright all along.

Baby steps.

From 1994

PIERCING-

Can’t anyone else hear the screams?
Grasping -
Fingernails scratch-searching for a hold
Falling

The people go on
Buying
Their new and improved
Bigger
Better
Self-improvement
Foods, ointments, cars, homes

And the lost fall
Screaming
To the ground
Invisible
Inaudible

Alone

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4 Comments:

  • *chuckling*

    I would not want your phone bill, that's for certain.

    Yaknow, I have my Wednesday Whines and they're almost comical-cuz they're so small in the grand scheme of things...comparitively speaking.
    Each day I get a chance to do some things--which I'm grateful for.....but......

    *sigh*
    There's this underlying sadness, this piece of me that seemingly can't wade past the muck and mire (whatever that happens to be) to grab hold of and embrace all that IS good and true in my life.
    Just feels elusive, yaknow?
    'over there...just beyond reach, wriggling and inviting and not mine'

    Why?
    Dunno.

    I can feel the outter warming of it--but the all encompassing glow of it......yup....over there.

    <--starting to sound ungrateful and whiney!

    ((((((( atypical )))))))))

    BTW--I like the poety!
    So pfffffffttttt!
    ;-)

    By Blogger Mel, at 8:00 AM  

  • I think that I haven’t written because I have been sad. I have been numb; I have been a little bit broken from time to time. But, I have no valid reasons to have remained in this mood for so long.

    Thank you for putting this into words much better than I can. Much of my blog absence has had (at least in the second part of this past school year)as much to do with feeling like you describe as it has had to do with my busyness. I've joked around about having "comment depression" because even if I was reading, I wasn't feeling much like I could comment. There was some weight holding me down.

    I think my Sleeping with Bread post was my attempt to make valid how I've been feeling. It isn't like the things that have been going on haven't been going on but I think I have been letting them be excuses.

    Wow, look at how I turned this into something that is all about me! I think that happened because, as per the usual, I identify with what you describe. You are somehow in my mind, channeling my thoughts! How do you do that?

    Well, I am glad you are back, even if it is only for an occasional post. Thanks for "talking" today.

    By Blogger Mary-LUE, at 1:19 PM  

  • Owning the sadness and allowing it a space to exist and time to breathe is a very healthy response.

    By OpenID wheelsonthebus, at 11:51 PM  

  • Sometimes we get stuck, sometimes we need to stick in a place, and sometimes there is something else---but always wise to take this time and reflect on why and what.

    (hugs) to you.

    By Blogger Julie Pippert, at 11:58 AM  

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