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Saturday, March 19, 2011

blog time

There is something about the passage of time which is misleading. Some days are very long indeed, but suddenly, upon looking backward, months have passed, and it is difficult to pinpoint exactly when they did so. So it is with this blog. Weekly, I would begin to write a post in my head. Weekly, I would convince myself I was actually going to type it up (usually on Mondays – a remnant of Sleeping with Bread), and yet when Tuesday came, I would postpone my goal for yet another week instead of writing it anyway.

I looked back at some archives this week and couldn’t believe that my most prolific posting was in 2006 and 2007. I can’t even believe I have had a blog for that long, let alone that is has been mostly idle for the past several years.

In the same way, life around these parts is passing. My second born turned eighteen yesterday, and he is about to graduate from high school. It doesn’t seem that long ago that we first dropped him off at the doors. Granted, it was only four years since he was homeschooled through eighth grade, but still…..

One would think that this passage of time would have spawned the basis for many blog posts, but the truth is, I have had varying versions of the same post running through my head the entire time. It’s all about motivation – or lack thereof.

When I was younger, most specifically in my teens and twenties, I took great pride in certain things. As a teenager, I was fond of uttering the self-truth that I was extraordinarily proud of my inferiority complex, “I feel more inferior than you feel, and I’ll prove it!” But that was not the extent of my pride. Silent pride covered my intelligence, my thinness without exercise, my ability to look into someone’s eyes and know their pain on a personal level. It has taken me this many years to realize how misdirected my pride actually is. You see, I seem only to revel in those accomplishments I had nothing to say about. Through my pride in them, I am taking credit for God’s work – those natural abilities borne into my genes. I don’t like working for anything.

I don’t know whether laziness or fear has been the prime motivator, but the fact remains. I don’t like doing anything that doesn’t come easily to me. Speaking to people on a deep level when I am vulnerable myself – when I have hidden weakness and don’t want to admit it, making phone calls to just about anyone (but doctors and businesses are the most difficult), writing when the words don’t just flow from my fingertips: these are things I avoid like the plague. And now that my earlier prides don’t come so naturally, well, I avoid thinking about them too.

S, the second born, has a quality he leeched directly from his mother. Whenever trying something new, he watches. To the outside observer, he would appear not to be interested at all, but he is watching with intensity. Then, off in his own corner of the world, he practices. He is not willing to try anything in front of others if he is not absolutely sure he can do it. Only a small fraction of the things observed ever make it to the stage of public opinion. As an onlooker, I see the pity in this. So many talents don’t see the light of day because they are rough, raw, and imperfect.

And yet this fear of failure is pride as well. I do not judge others harshly. I am usually able to acknowledge the strength without tearing apart the weakness. And yet, somehow I feel that I cannot fail in front of others and choose instead not to even try. Logically, I know that the result of this action is failure every time while trying would result in the possibility of at least some success. Also, I would have a lot more right to pride for trying, and even possibly succeeding, in something that doesn’t come naturally to me. Instead of stealing God’s glory and staking claim to its privileges, I could acknowledge those glories as His, freeing me up to stop trying to do other things on my own power and steam- learning instead to lean on Him to help me through the rough patches and wash away the fear.

Time will tell, though I expect it might take me years to look back and see what it says.

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3 Comments:

  • Wow.

    Harassment works! ;-)
    (well......not really. LOL Talk about 'pride'....LOL)

    .....but wow....

    Lemme ponder this.
    Mostly cuz there are huge pieces of me that relate so much to what you wrote about.
    True.

    <-- going to ponder
    <-- will return!

    Feel free to harass me if I don't do that in a timely manner. *laughing!!!*

    By Blogger Mel, at 9:15 AM  

  • I handed the WPIML pages of "character defects" years ago. As I recall, he read them with great interest, chuckled a few times and then crossed through the pages to simply write 'pride and ego'.

    I was a bit irritated with him--all that fine work, all that honesty and self disclosure.......all that pride in 'see how screwed up I am--you can't expect more from me!'.....trounced on.

    Pride and ego. I know them well. Intimately, in a real sense.

    I hang on to some of those defects--they're mine and no one is taking them from me. I have a whole lot of my identity wrapped up in those darn thing (particularly my need to appear less than cooperative--oppositional as all get out, even if I really AM willing.....I just GOTTA act like I'm not). I've been on a lesson of 'let it look how it is' for eons. I'm still not willing, apparently--still wrapped into what others would think/do with me should I just LET it look like it really is in my heart.

    *sigh* Pride. Ego.
    Fear......stupid fear does stupid things to me every time.
    (and I let it)

    It's difficult when we watch our 'stuff' become a piece of who our kiddos grow into being. The girl is just AS mouthy as her mother--she is her mother's child. Thankfully she's using that for the good today. I'm hopeful that's the end result of living principles I didn't necessarily wanna live, but was required to live.

    I'll quit rambling but I'll leave you with the one thing WPIML tells me on a regular basis.

    "You don't give yourself a whole lot of squiggle room for being human, do ya."

    I don't.
    From where I sit, looks like you don't either.

    ((((((((((( nonsensical )))))))))))

    Just sayin'.......

    By Blogger Mel, at 1:51 PM  

  • Oh shoot.....day after Easter and I didn't make a drop in to haunt you with me greetings and wishes for a joyful Easter.

    Silly me. :-/

    By Blogger Mel, at 8:56 PM  

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